A Dinner with Three People
Todd McBride

Originally, this question was designed to involve one simple dinner with three guests. However, my esteemed associate Gnarlstrum decided that it would be better to have three separate meals, as that would allow undivided attention with each of the honoured guests. Point taken, so here are my three guests, for dinner or otherwise.

First off, our lord and saviour, Hay-Seuss. Ok, maybe not my lord and saviour, hence the lack of capitalization, but to millions around the world, he is the one to whom they turn. I guess that in a sense, dinner with Hay-Seuss would be similar to bringing back Socrates in "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure". Essentially, I just want to know how he feels about the state of the world today, and particularly, how he feels about the state of religion. Would he like the way that Christianity looks these days? A huge Vatican budget, religion as fashion and pedophile ministers; is this how he pictured his "following" 2000 years ago? Plus, I wouldnąt have to worry about providing dinner that night, since Hay-Seuss has proven, at least in theory, that he can take care of that. Actually, I guess what I'd really like to know is how he feels about the Bible. First, did the things that it says happen actually happen? And if they did, are these passages being interpreted the way that he intended? Not being a student of religion, these may or may not be the questions that I should truly ask, but if I had the privilege of having dinner with their lord and saviour, Hay-Seuss, but I'm sure that if they aren't, I could figure out some way to make conversation.

This may sound a little bit hokey, but the second person that I'd like to have dinner with is probably "Pops", my paternal grandfather. He died when I was quite young, and while I do have some memories of him, I can't say that I really ever got to know him. I've had the privilege of knowing my other three grandparents quite well, but most of what I know of Pops comes from the mouth of his widowed wife Nana, so it isn't exactly first hand. That said, what Nana has said has convinced me that I would enjoyed his company.

For my final choice, it originally came down to Bill S. Preston, Esq. and Ted Theodore Logan from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure fame (I will not mention the sequel to this triumphant movie, as I refuse to acknowledge its existence). Think about the things that they have seen, and the people that they have met! So-Crates, Genghis Khan, Honest Abe... the list goes on and on. And truthfully, how many people can say that they picked up chicks in the 14th century? Not many, I guarantee you that.

All of this being said, a decision could not be made between these two members of Wyld Stallyons. They are, quite simply, too equal. To chose would be wrong (although I admit an affinity for Ted, but that may be due to Keanu Reeves' ability to look confused at all times.) I also couldnąt risk breaking up the Wyld Stallyons, or causing a rift between the two of them, knowing that our future depends on them. As such, I would have to look elsewhere for a dinner guest.

That's two separate Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure references in the same response... am I obsessed? Understandable though it might be, I'm not sure that it's something of which I should be proud.

For my final dinner guest, I would meet one Homer J. Simpson at Red Lobster. My friends and I have often had the discussion of which show had a greater impact on our lives, "Seinfeld" or "The Simpsons". I'm still not sure, but I'm leaning towards the Simpsons. On a daily basis, I quote something that was said on some episode I saw sometime over the past 15 years. And while when I was younger, Bart was my humouristic focal point, slowly but surely I realized that Homer was in fact the funniest character. He's a devoted father, a diligent worker, and all around good person. Ok, he's none of those, but imagine the trouble that you'd get in, spending a night with him. No, not like that, you sicko. We'd probably start at Moe's, but who knows where we'd end up. Vegas? Tijuana? Or maybe even Okotoks, Alberta? Homer would seriously be one of the most entertaining people to hang out with for an evening. For one thing, he's one of the few people in the world who I can feel good about not being. In any case, while my other two dinner guests satisfy certain needs, Homer would satisfy my need for debauchery. Who better?